We Lost a Baby (again)

I think it's becoming more and more common, at least in the circle of friends I run with, to talk openly about miscarrying babies and the burdens carried by couples trying to conceive. I think that's a great thing because the worst pain in the world is to have your heart broken open over the loss of a child and feel as though you cannot tell a soul because of not wanting to make them feel awkward or uncomfortable.

But the truth is... SO many of my friends and women I've known have told me of their own losses or struggles to get pregnant. I think the last statistic I saw was that 1 in 3 pregnancies results in miscarriage before 12 wks. Truly heartbreaking.

I've honestly been working on this post for weeks now, hashing through my feelings slowly and in my own time. Grieving is a process and it doesn't often let you take the wheel as it moves through one day to another.

I wanted to document this pregnancy so I took pictures early on and have no where to save them except here. For my own heart, I want to take them out of my photos in my phone but I don't want to just delete them and have them suddenly gone from my life and from our baby's story. So I'm going to share them here because they are all I have left to hold on to, to remember, to help me continue to say goodbye and I love you little one.

This test never was super dark. With all of my other pregnancies, I felt like that line was staring up at me bright and bold and there wasn't a doubt in my mind our baby was there and I was gonna have 9 more months of a little peanut turning into a watermelon inside of me soon. 

About a week later, I took a digital test and my HCG levels had risen enough to get a positive read which started to set my mind at ease a bit. Maybe I ovulated late that month, or the baby wasn't as many weeks as I thought - those were some of the thoughts going through my mind until that digital read and then I knew that it was time that we could begin to dream about having a family of 5 and share our info with just a few close friends.

I was so excited and my mind was running a mile a minute on what the future would look like from here on out. I really wanted to tell our folks but Aaron had a spirit of concern over that - because 5/6 weeks is still very fresh and we had already lost our first baby to a miscarriage at 12 weeks and we knew that making it to that landmark would be a sigh of relief.

Life went on as normal as it does, I began to tell my belly was just looking bloated more and more and getting already kinda harder in form. The days of sucking in were totally gone my friends and I was ok with that.

Shortly after rounding the corner of 6 weeks I noticed my nausea had significantly subsided, my chest wasn't painful and my headaches were vanishing as well. I didn't think much of it at the time but now I see it was signs that my body was letting go of the baby and that I was beginning the process of losing it. 

I called the new OBGYN I had an appt with for my 9 week check up and told them once I started to spot that was unsure if I was miscarrying at that point and asked if I could be seen. Being a new patient (since we have moved back to Greeley almost a year ago and I haven't found a doc before now), they refused to see me and said they were unable to offer medical advice over the phone as well because until that 9 week appointment I was not considered their patient. The whole situation left me feeling cold and hurt. Frustrated, I called my primary physician here and asked if I could be seen. They connected me to the OBs on staff and were loving and kind and helpful in so many ways - providing just what my heart needed! I went in for bloodwork right away that afternoon and was called just hours later with results. They told me that my HCG level was present and confirmed our baby but said the levels were at a much lower rate than they should be for how long I was estimating based on my previous period. With such sympathy he said I could come back in and have blood drawn again in 48 hours so they could check to see if the HCG was doubling and if in the meantime I began to bleed heavier, that they were available for anything I might need and would check me in about a week for needs for a D & C.

In that moment my heart and my head made the connection and I knew I'd miscarry the baby sometime in the following days. It all happened naturally and I cried and weeped mostly for the life of the little one I had started to dream might become a reality. I didn't want to take any ibuprofen or pain meds and somehow stuff the pain away because to me it was important to feel all the things my body needed to feel so that I could properly say goodbye. I don't know if that makes any sense at all now... but in the moment I felt that it was my honor to feel momentary pain for our baby considering the circumstances.

Life has moved along... keeping up with a 6 year old and a 3 year old doesn't provide many opportunities to sit and be sad or to let my feelings over take me. I think that has actually been a good thing for me. I recently shared in my private Younique VIP group about our baby and I hope it continues to help raise awareness of how common miscarriages at all stages are and how alone the places we find ourselves afterward can feel. My tribe and circle have loved on me so hard these last few weeks as I've mourned, processed, been thankful and been sad. They've let me just feel how I need to feel and also checked in when I know it's hard to and there's not much anyone knows will be best to say. For all of it, I'm so appreciative and the healing has begun sooner than I expected.

To my friends Kait, Samantha, Tatum, and Nicole - for sending me a beautiful arrangement of succulents that remind me of life and love and friendship - I'm forever grateful. That was an incredibly kind gesture and one I will remember forever.

To Megan B - my best friend - for having my all time favorite coffee (sf vanilla breve latte) hand delivered to my door from Starbucks, just the thought of how much you went out of your way to make that happen still brings me to tears and I'm so in awe of how well you love on me. You are the best and I'm so thankful I shared with you from moment zero with this baby so that we could be in this together. For those couple weeks we knew - you shared in my excitement and my worry and all the areas in between.

To Aaron - I know you've told me many times not to feel this way, but I'm still sorry. I'm sorry for the fact that we had to go through this again, for my body or whatever going wrong (I know it was not in my control but still), and for just the disappointment and sadness you feel too. I am so thankful for our two beautiful children and the life we've made together. I know that whatever lies ahead for us, our bond will just continue to be stronger than ever and we can always lean into each other. Thank you for your love, your willingness to let me talk circles about it as I have processed and questioned and been sad. For loving me in all the ways I need. I love you unendingly.